


That's Not Me

by sierralie



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-24
Updated: 2011-05-24
Packaged: 2017-10-19 18:12:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/203813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sierralie/pseuds/sierralie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the kmeme.  Prompt: "Anders wants a baby. Hawke says 'Fuck no.'"</p>
            </blockquote>





	That's Not Me

Anders ran his fingers through his hair, leaving the small ponytail in slight disarray as he pulled a few strands halfway loose. His long legs carried him back and forth in front of the windows opposite to where Hawke sat, as far from her as he could get while still remaining in the same room.

"I just don't understand." He finally stopped pacing and turned to face her again. The expression on his face was a jumbled mixture of aggrieved frustration and pleading.

Marian sighed. "Why is this so difficult for you? I've explained again and again using as many different words as I can."

Anders crossed the space separating them and knelt on the floor at her feet, setting his palms against Marian's stomach as he looked up at her. "Can't you imagine it? Our child. Our baby. A little girl with blonde pigtails, or a little boy with your eyes."

"I can imagine it, Anders, but I don't have some romanticized notion of an infant somehow making the world sparkle with sunshine and daisies." Marian lifted his hands from her stomach and set them on her legs instead by way of emphasizing her point.

"That's not how I meant it!"

"Then what do you mean? Our lives are empty if we don't have a baby? We've done something wrong in making that choice?"

"I didn't choose.." Anders bit his lip, not in time to catch the words back.

She gaped at him. "But _I_ did. Is that what you're getting at? I don't want babies, so now you're stuck in something you didn't want."

Anders rocked back onto his heels, and Marian couldn't help but be struck by the little extra measure of distance between them he'd created. "I love you. I want to be with you, always. I just.." He gave her a pained look. "Is it.. is it me?"

"Anders! Are you even listening to me?" Marian took a shallow breath, resigning herself to playing the concilatory role for a moment, as much as it galled her to do it, as much as that felt like giving ground in this argument. "It's not you. I have never, ever wanted to have children. Not when I was little and playing at dolls with Bethany. Not when I was a teenager and starting to fancy boys and think naughty thoughts. And not now."

He frowned. "I just thought you'd.. well, I thought in time you'd.." He trailed off awkwardly.

Marian bit her tongue before the tangled, seething mass of ire in her belly erupted out of her mouth in a torrent of angry words she'd regret. Hadn't she had this argument enough times with Leandra, or Bethany? Did she really have to do this _again_ with the man she'd thought would support her in anything she chose? After a moment, she thought she'd gained control of her words enough to respond. "You thought that in time I'd surely want to have a baby. Like every woman does." She stared at him flatly, sarcasm creeping out in that last sentence.

Anders flinched. "Marian, I've never known any woman not vowed to another life who didn't want a child. Even some of the mages in the Circle did. It's a natural urge."

Marian's temper got the better of her. "So I should compromise everything about who I am, everything I want for myself, to churn out a few babies. Should I put away my swords and armour while I'm at it, forget how to fight, take up needlework while you do the mens' work?"

Ever prone to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, Anders answered as if he were counselling one of his patients at the clinic. "Of course not. Only while you were pregnant, for the safety of the babe."

Marian stood up in a rush, knocking her chair backward. "Get _out_! Out! Before I have Bodahn throw you out, or before I run you through with my sword. The one I am not giving up for you, for a child, or for anyone."

Anders stood uncertainly, his hands raised before him as if to soothe her anger, or to defend himself against it. "Marian, please.."

"Out!"

He left, that time. Marian threw a vase at the door as it closed behind him, and promptly burst into tears. She _hated_ crying. She threw another vase for good measure.

\--

Marian couldn't sleep. The sun had gone down hours ago, and Anders' side of the bed was cold and empty. Her feet, at least, were toasty-warm thanks to the massive mabari sprawled atop.

"At least there's one male in my life who I know will always be sensible." She chuckled ruefully and reached down to scratch one big ear. The mabari squirmed in delight, then bounded onto the floor to curl up in the massive tangle of blankets and pillows he'd accumulated over the years in a pile not far from the fireplace.

The sound of the door made her look up. Anders stood in the crack of light streaming in from the landing, standing very still. Long moments passed with not a word to break the silence, until finally he cleared his throat hesitantly.

"May I come in?"

Marian hated the awkwardness of reconciling after arguments almost as much as she hated to cry about them, but her heart ached to hear the hurt and worry in her lover's voice. "You live here, you know." She tried to sound gentle.

He approached and sat on the edge of the bed, hesitating just a moment before taking her hands in his. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I came on so strong, and didn't listen."

She gave his hands a light squeeze. "I'm sorry I threw you out. It's just.. you have no idea how many times I've had those arguments, had it implied that I'm somehow less valuable as a woman - or not valuable at all - without having given birth. It hurts. I never expected to hear those words from you, too."

Anders looked at her, stricken. "You thought I'd ever be able to see you that way? Marian, I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I guess.. I'd given up on love, so I'd never even let myself dream of being a father. When I found you - it opened up so many possibilities I'd never imagined."

Marian drew him onto the bed with her and reached down to unlace his boots, a long-standing habit after he'd tracked mud on the clean sheets the first night she'd welcomed him into her arms and her bed. Her dislike of dirty sheets had become a running joke between them. "I want to share my life with you, in every way. I'll help you with the mage underground. I'll help you at the clinic. I'll drag you along to every miserable job that sends us to the cursed Wounded Coast again and let you heal every scratch I get. I just don't want that life to include babies.

Anders traced his fingers along her cheek and leaned close to kiss her lips. "I want _you_. I don't want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, or that feels wrong for you. If that means we never have children - then that's what it means."

Marian kissed him tenderly, then gave a wry laugh. "Anyway - can you really imagine Justice as a father?"

Anders chuckled. "Oh, I don't know. I bet they'd have been the best-behaved children anywhere - that, or the most intractably bratty ones, if they'd decided that a blue glowy father was as fun as any party trick."

Marian threw a pillow at him, and dragged him under the covers with her.


End file.
